"I am not gay"

"I am not gay"
By David Martin, a lawyer in Canada
Published July 21, 2006
Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune

Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle King want to be clear: They're not gay. "The truth is, if we were gay, we would tell you, because there's nothing wrong with being gay," King says.
--Associated Press, July 18

Like Oprah Winfrey, I am not gay. I can understand why some people might think otherwise. After all, I have a mustache and I like Broadway musicals.

But that doesn't mean I'm gay. Lots of men have mustaches and enjoy show tunes and yet do not engage in homosexual activities.

Well, all right, maybe not lots of men. But some men do who are perfectly straight. At least I assume there are others besides me.

In case there was any doubt, I am also not a female. I'd be proud to admit it if I were but I'm not. I like females. I live with two females. I even give to female causes. But that's as far as it goes. There's nothing wrong with being female. Well, except maybe for high heels and hot flashes. But other than that, I would be proud to profess my femaleness if I were one. But I'm not, assuming that occasionally wearing women's clothing doesn't count.

I wish also to point out that I am not a Republican. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that people see me enjoying tax cuts and ignoring the poor and jump to certain conclusions. Quite simply, I think that's unfair. You don't have to be a Republican to like money and dislike the proletariat.

In fact, while I have your attention, I'd like to clear up another common misconception. I am not an American. I grew up with Americans, socialized with Americans and even lived with Americans. Heck, some of my best friends are American.

But I myself am not a stars-and-stripes waver. If I were, I would have no problem displaying the flag and professing my love for mom, apple pie and whatever else those people supposedly like. But I'm not, so I don't. It's as simple as that.

Finally, I think it should go without saying that I am not a dog lover. I like dogs. In fact, we even have a dog. And, yes, I have been known to spend lots of time with him.

Just because someone talks baby talk to a dog or lets him lick your face doesn't mean the relationship is unduly intimate. The truth is, if Oreo and I were more involved, I would tell you because there's nothing wrong. ... Actually, I guess I wouldn't tell you about that.