On City Council, all politics is local -- and wacky
On City Council, all politics is local -- and wacky
BY RICHARD ROEPER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Copyright 2006 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
August 2, 2006
'If you're a cell phone-using, goose liver-eating, cigarette-smoking, fast food-loving person, Chicago might not be your kind of town." -- The Associated Press. Other than New York, I can't think of a major U.S. metropolis with as many city council members as Chicago.
The much larger Apple has 51 city council members. Philadelphia has 17, Houston has 14, Los Angeles has 17.
Chicago, of course, has 50, due to a 1906 resolution that says we should have as many alderman as there are players on the rosters of the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox.
(Note to Chicago historians: I know. I was kidding.)
The main reason we have 50 aldermen is to keep the city's unemployment rate down, and to maintain a certain crazy-ass entertainment factor. If you have only a dozen or so members, they might behave with common sense. You get 50 politicians in a big room with cushy chairs, microphones and various agendas -- you're going to have some crazy-ass stuff.
Resolved: You guys are kinda nuts
Lately the City Council has been on a truly nutty roll. They're passing legislation that has people in Turkmenistan shaking their heads and saying, "Oh, those poor people in Chicago, they're really losing their freedoms!"
Ald. Edward Burke (14th) is leading the charge to have the City Council invade our lives in a way that would have High Chancellor Adam Sutler seething with envy.
Last week, Burke introduced an ordinance that would ban smoking inside vehicles when small children are in the vehicles. Violators would be fined $100.
A few questions:
1. What exactly constitutes a "small" child? Is it OK to smoke in the car if your passenger is a tall 8-year-old, but not OK to smoke near a short 12-year-old? (Burke says the cutoff should be children under 8. Why would it suddenly be all right to smoke near a kid who turns 8?)
2. Are we going to paint signs on the sides of SUVs that say, "If your child is this height or smaller, you can't light up"?
3. How are we going to enforce this law? Are the same cops who have to check drivers for hands-on cell phone usage now expected to do visual checks on every car to make sure the adult isn't puffing away while a child watches "Finding Nemo" on the headrest DVD?
4. Does this sound like something out of the "Colbert Report" or what?
Meanwhile, Burke has modified his crusade against trans fats. He's now restricting it to restaurants owned by companies that have at least $20 million in gross sales. I guess that means it's OK to clog your arteries at upscale, non-chain restaurants -- but you're losing that option at the local KFC.
Fortunately, we're still a goose liver-free metropolis. The foie gras ban remains in effect!
At least our dogs won't be microchipped -- at least not for a while. Last week the City Council delayed a vote on a proposal to require all dogs to have microchips implanted in their necks, for identification purposes should they wander off.
I say we try it out on the aldermen first to see how well it works.
Put it to a vote!
As busy as the City Council has been lately, there are still a number of problems that need to be addressed. My proposals:
1. A "dirty look" ordinance. Chicago prides itself on being the friendliest of big cities, yet when you say "How ya doin'?" to some folks, they scowl in return. I say make it a $75 fine to give anyone a dirty look in public.
2. No-red zones. Even as a Sox fan, I've had it with the legions of St. Louisans who dress in red from head to toe and swarm into town every time there's a Cubs/Cardinals series. Police should be allowed to issue tickets to anyone wearing more than one red item of clothing on Michigan Avenue during summer.
3. Use your cell, you get tossed in a cell. Anyone talking loudly on a cell phone in a restaurant or store should be arrested immediately and thrown in jail for 24 hours without bail. Barring that, security guards should be allowed to Taser anyone violating this law. Just a little zap to the lower back.
4. Anti-macho laws. Any guy trying to break up a double play by barrelling into second in a co-ed, recreational softball league should be banned from playing for one year. Any guy who's not Brian Urlacher and has a "barbed wire" tattoo on his biceps must have it removed immediately. Any guy who brags about his "equipment" in the men's room of any sports or concert arena or nightclub has to leave the city.
5. A hot-weather ordinance. There should be an automatic $50 fine for anyone who enters an air-conditioned building on a 100-degree days and announces to everyone that it's hot outside. We know.
Got any suggestions for other wacky laws we should put on the books?
Feel free to share.
rroeper@suntimes.com
BY RICHARD ROEPER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Copyright 2006 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
August 2, 2006
'If you're a cell phone-using, goose liver-eating, cigarette-smoking, fast food-loving person, Chicago might not be your kind of town." -- The Associated Press. Other than New York, I can't think of a major U.S. metropolis with as many city council members as Chicago.
The much larger Apple has 51 city council members. Philadelphia has 17, Houston has 14, Los Angeles has 17.
Chicago, of course, has 50, due to a 1906 resolution that says we should have as many alderman as there are players on the rosters of the Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox.
(Note to Chicago historians: I know. I was kidding.)
The main reason we have 50 aldermen is to keep the city's unemployment rate down, and to maintain a certain crazy-ass entertainment factor. If you have only a dozen or so members, they might behave with common sense. You get 50 politicians in a big room with cushy chairs, microphones and various agendas -- you're going to have some crazy-ass stuff.
Resolved: You guys are kinda nuts
Lately the City Council has been on a truly nutty roll. They're passing legislation that has people in Turkmenistan shaking their heads and saying, "Oh, those poor people in Chicago, they're really losing their freedoms!"
Ald. Edward Burke (14th) is leading the charge to have the City Council invade our lives in a way that would have High Chancellor Adam Sutler seething with envy.
Last week, Burke introduced an ordinance that would ban smoking inside vehicles when small children are in the vehicles. Violators would be fined $100.
A few questions:
1. What exactly constitutes a "small" child? Is it OK to smoke in the car if your passenger is a tall 8-year-old, but not OK to smoke near a short 12-year-old? (Burke says the cutoff should be children under 8. Why would it suddenly be all right to smoke near a kid who turns 8?)
2. Are we going to paint signs on the sides of SUVs that say, "If your child is this height or smaller, you can't light up"?
3. How are we going to enforce this law? Are the same cops who have to check drivers for hands-on cell phone usage now expected to do visual checks on every car to make sure the adult isn't puffing away while a child watches "Finding Nemo" on the headrest DVD?
4. Does this sound like something out of the "Colbert Report" or what?
Meanwhile, Burke has modified his crusade against trans fats. He's now restricting it to restaurants owned by companies that have at least $20 million in gross sales. I guess that means it's OK to clog your arteries at upscale, non-chain restaurants -- but you're losing that option at the local KFC.
Fortunately, we're still a goose liver-free metropolis. The foie gras ban remains in effect!
At least our dogs won't be microchipped -- at least not for a while. Last week the City Council delayed a vote on a proposal to require all dogs to have microchips implanted in their necks, for identification purposes should they wander off.
I say we try it out on the aldermen first to see how well it works.
Put it to a vote!
As busy as the City Council has been lately, there are still a number of problems that need to be addressed. My proposals:
1. A "dirty look" ordinance. Chicago prides itself on being the friendliest of big cities, yet when you say "How ya doin'?" to some folks, they scowl in return. I say make it a $75 fine to give anyone a dirty look in public.
2. No-red zones. Even as a Sox fan, I've had it with the legions of St. Louisans who dress in red from head to toe and swarm into town every time there's a Cubs/Cardinals series. Police should be allowed to issue tickets to anyone wearing more than one red item of clothing on Michigan Avenue during summer.
3. Use your cell, you get tossed in a cell. Anyone talking loudly on a cell phone in a restaurant or store should be arrested immediately and thrown in jail for 24 hours without bail. Barring that, security guards should be allowed to Taser anyone violating this law. Just a little zap to the lower back.
4. Anti-macho laws. Any guy trying to break up a double play by barrelling into second in a co-ed, recreational softball league should be banned from playing for one year. Any guy who's not Brian Urlacher and has a "barbed wire" tattoo on his biceps must have it removed immediately. Any guy who brags about his "equipment" in the men's room of any sports or concert arena or nightclub has to leave the city.
5. A hot-weather ordinance. There should be an automatic $50 fine for anyone who enters an air-conditioned building on a 100-degree days and announces to everyone that it's hot outside. We know.
Got any suggestions for other wacky laws we should put on the books?
Feel free to share.
rroeper@suntimes.com
posted by Carlos T Mock at 12:11 PM
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