Porn to be mild: Smut lets down lesbians
Porn to be mild: Smut lets down lesbians
By Jennyy Spinner
Copyright by The Red Eye
Published June 15 2007
Boy-girl, boy-boy, girl-girl—there's a stunning cornucopia of pornographic flicks on the market.
However, the vast majority of the smut pile caters to men. Many lesbians I know think it's a capital crime that men, straight and gay, have such an embarrassment of riches to choose from while women are left in the lurch.
Where is our smut?
Several weeks back, my girlfriend and I opened up our home for an all-girls game night. However, as is wont to occur in a room full of randy, young homo-ettes, the group's thoughts turned to play of a different variety.
"Let's watch porn!" one gal shouted.
"Doesn't anyone want to play Trivial Pursuit?" I offered. "Maybe Clue—I have the Simpsons vers ..."
"Porn! Porn! Porn!" the others shouted in mutinous unison.
We'd lost control, and the throng could not be dissuaded, so my girl picked up the cable remote and searched through the On Demand movie listings for a promising, girl-on-girl selection. There were more titles than Boystown has bad faux hawks, but finding a movie that appealed to us was challenging.
"'Naughty Girls Who Love Naughty Girls' looks good," Alexis remarked, leaning forward in the tattered La-Z-Boy.
The others nodded in assent. After deciding the $12.99 fee for 50 minutes of smut seemed like a wise investment (especially split nine ways), we ordered up and leaned back.
The video opened on Amber, a fake-baked young lass with a towering Tawny Kitaen 'do framing her makeup-encrusted visage. As she opined on the merits of doin' it with dames—"They're so ... soft"—she cast her pink-clawed hands all over her body.
Instead of being titillated, though, the crew in our living room was confused.
"Is this supposed to be hot?," Liz wondered. "What the hell's she doing?"
Amber's bored-and-boring solo performance gave way to bikini-clad Stacey and Julie scrubbing a Corvette. As usual, they soon forgot about the car they were washing and commenced soaping up each other. Each displayed all the erotic energy of a nurse sponge-bathing a drooling grandpa.
Our disappointment in the film's utter lack of hotness rapidly gave way to amusement as we poked fun at the fake lesbians prancing onscreen. True, it was a giant letdown to the assemblage of lasses, but it's not like any of us hadn't ever been there before. When you're a porn-seeking lesbian, disappointment is all but guaranteed.
Me, I've brought home my share of DVDs with wicked women on the cover in the hopes of causing a stir. But the actresses resemble blow-up dolls come to life, with their hard-plastic boobs and coifs that wouldn't stir if subjected to hurricane-force winds. I have no idea how they pursue their profession with such unbelievably lengthy nails—it's a wonder they don't puncture their co-stars.
Do straight men find these movies entertaining? They must—the shelves of adult stores are teeming with titles, and I've spent many an hour combing those shelves, hoping to find my personal Horny Grail of porn movies. One with real lesbians, not fake femme fatales. One that evokes hormones, not ha-has. One made just for me.
A gay gal can dream.
By Jennyy Spinner
Copyright by The Red Eye
Published June 15 2007
Boy-girl, boy-boy, girl-girl—there's a stunning cornucopia of pornographic flicks on the market.
However, the vast majority of the smut pile caters to men. Many lesbians I know think it's a capital crime that men, straight and gay, have such an embarrassment of riches to choose from while women are left in the lurch.
Where is our smut?
Several weeks back, my girlfriend and I opened up our home for an all-girls game night. However, as is wont to occur in a room full of randy, young homo-ettes, the group's thoughts turned to play of a different variety.
"Let's watch porn!" one gal shouted.
"Doesn't anyone want to play Trivial Pursuit?" I offered. "Maybe Clue—I have the Simpsons vers ..."
"Porn! Porn! Porn!" the others shouted in mutinous unison.
We'd lost control, and the throng could not be dissuaded, so my girl picked up the cable remote and searched through the On Demand movie listings for a promising, girl-on-girl selection. There were more titles than Boystown has bad faux hawks, but finding a movie that appealed to us was challenging.
"'Naughty Girls Who Love Naughty Girls' looks good," Alexis remarked, leaning forward in the tattered La-Z-Boy.
The others nodded in assent. After deciding the $12.99 fee for 50 minutes of smut seemed like a wise investment (especially split nine ways), we ordered up and leaned back.
The video opened on Amber, a fake-baked young lass with a towering Tawny Kitaen 'do framing her makeup-encrusted visage. As she opined on the merits of doin' it with dames—"They're so ... soft"—she cast her pink-clawed hands all over her body.
Instead of being titillated, though, the crew in our living room was confused.
"Is this supposed to be hot?," Liz wondered. "What the hell's she doing?"
Amber's bored-and-boring solo performance gave way to bikini-clad Stacey and Julie scrubbing a Corvette. As usual, they soon forgot about the car they were washing and commenced soaping up each other. Each displayed all the erotic energy of a nurse sponge-bathing a drooling grandpa.
Our disappointment in the film's utter lack of hotness rapidly gave way to amusement as we poked fun at the fake lesbians prancing onscreen. True, it was a giant letdown to the assemblage of lasses, but it's not like any of us hadn't ever been there before. When you're a porn-seeking lesbian, disappointment is all but guaranteed.
Me, I've brought home my share of DVDs with wicked women on the cover in the hopes of causing a stir. But the actresses resemble blow-up dolls come to life, with their hard-plastic boobs and coifs that wouldn't stir if subjected to hurricane-force winds. I have no idea how they pursue their profession with such unbelievably lengthy nails—it's a wonder they don't puncture their co-stars.
Do straight men find these movies entertaining? They must—the shelves of adult stores are teeming with titles, and I've spent many an hour combing those shelves, hoping to find my personal Horny Grail of porn movies. One with real lesbians, not fake femme fatales. One that evokes hormones, not ha-has. One made just for me.
A gay gal can dream.
posted by Carlos T Mock at 2:20 PM
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